JOKES

“A couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to
have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the
wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise...OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's
swearing, dirty words >and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE
HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING
HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR!
THAT #&%!$ IS OVER...GOT IT,
#&%!$?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that
a sweet story?”

“ha ha. I like it, I like it!”

“NEWSFLASH: Camilla Parker Bowles says that she is very happy to be getting married, but says that she has turned down the Queen's offer of a free weekend in Paris with car and driver.”

“SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART I

1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
(Juan-on-Juan)

2. What is a Yankee?
(The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone)

3. Why is divorce so expensive?
(Because it's worth it)

4. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
(One US leader)

5. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
(Doughnuts)

6. Why is air a lot like sex?
(Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any)

7. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
(Because Janet Reno is her real father)


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
(A golden retriever)

2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
(Their personalities)

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
(45 lbs)

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
(45 minutes)

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(None, they just sit there in the dark and complain)

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(Through his chest with a sharp knife)

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
(They can't stand criticism)

8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
(After a year, the dog is still excited to see you)

9.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
(The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving)

10. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(Because they have cotton balls)

11. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
(A porcupine has the pricks on the outside)

12. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
("Are you sure it's mine?")

13. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(Mace will do that to you)

14. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(Everyone has the same DNA)

15. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(Breasts don't have eyes)

16. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
(He walks around saying "Yo.")

17. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
(Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it)


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
("Row, Row, Row Your Boat")

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
(A different bar)

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
(They named him "Sum Ting Wong")

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
(A speech impediment)

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
(They're hiring)

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "A recipe")

7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
(Get another sweet little 80- year-old lady to yell BINGO!)

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

(A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this #&%!$...")

9. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
(No one's tall enough to go on the good rides)”

“Excellant! Had to send it to all my buddies”

“There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of
us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing
the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist
became
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and
say
things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
Doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.”

“A young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again! reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."”

“A Pakistani arrives in New York City.
All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr.
American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... " The
person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Mexican."

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank
you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be
American, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Mr.
American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." But my
friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American."

"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "then, where are the
Americans??"

The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they don't get off work
'til five o'clock!"”

“THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:"Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:"Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN:"Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN:"$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer

$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.The other men in the locker room are looking at him

in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"”

“John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell sleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
last edited: 3/19/05 12:03:51 AM”

“A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"”

“A business man returning home a day early from a
business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was
after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he
would be a witness for $100. The cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby
tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the
lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife
in bed with another man. The husband, justifiably
upset, pulled a gun and put it to the naked man's
head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the
lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he
even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly
lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and
said, "What would you do?

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket
before he catches a cold".”

“Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.........

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey #&%!$."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . . . .

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."”

“Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.



And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......”

“ROTFLMAO !! priceless mtnsteve.”

“Good one !”

“For Some, English is not Easy

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving
Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME"”

“Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors??



















































If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!!!”

“Ha Ha”

“It just struck me funny. Had to share”

“i think we wouldve been better off if it had just struck you”

“G--d D--n you Tango...thats one that is so crappy it gets worse the more you try not to think about it...LOL..thanks needed the laugh....”

“xl, i dont think youre gonna get a free pass from gee oh dee just because you used hyphens”

“A blond chick came to a shoe store, and said:
"Hello, I would like to buy some crocodile boots.

The man in the store shows her the boots they have, but they are all too expensive, for the blond chick, so she leaves.

Later when the man is on his was home in his car, he sees the blond chick down by a lake, stabbing crocodiles with a spear, and pulling them up on land.. The blond chick pulls another crocodile up on land, looks at it's feet, and says:

"Damn, this one don't have any boots on either."”

“A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'”

“A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The #&%!$in' funeral director would be my first guess."”

“I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.”

“Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home... Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
_____
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
_____
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
_____
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
_____
LETTER 4:
DEAR GOD:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE RED BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO”

“Why do they have a Mens and Womens division in Curling?

Because women are more genetically directed to sweeping.”

“SO the teacher in school is asking each kid what their parents 'do"

The usual, Doctor, lawyer, etc etc.

Then they get to Johnny and she asks,"Johnny what does your father do?"

Johnny replies, "My uh Dad is dead."

The uncomfortable silence spreads and the Teacher asks," Well what did he do before he died?"

Johnny thinks a minute and replies,"He um rolled around on the floor, turned blue and #&%!$ himself."”

“The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw
the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet
Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting
in septic tanks for twenty years."”

“Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!”

“The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!”

“The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble... So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'”

“Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines.”

“two Irishmen, Murphy and Patrick, are in a rowboat in the middle of a lake, fishing. Suddenly, Murphy hooks a monster fish. After a half hour of fighting, he lands a beautiful shimmering golden fish. Just when Patrick is about to brain it with an oar, the fish suddenly speaks.

"Wait! Don't kill me!"

The two men are stunned. As they gawk at the fish, it speaks again.

"If you spare my life and release me, I will grant you any wish in the world."

Murphy decides it's worth a shot, so he picks the fish up and throws it back into the lake, shouting as he does, "I wish this entire lake were filled with Guinness."

No sooner did the fish vanish beneath the water then the entire lake turned to rich Guinness stout. Murphy leans back in his chair, proud of himself, and looks at Patrick with a grin. To Murphy's surprise, Patrick leaps up and slaps Murphy in the face.

"You idiot! Look what you've done!" he shouts, "Now we have to piss in the boat!"”

“ewwwwwww, LOL!”

“dizzy, those top 3 jokes are excellent!”

“thank you.”

“Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"”

“Classy”

“The light turned yellow in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn. She screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get thru the intersection. She droped her cell phone and makeup on the floor.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with hands up.

He took her to the police station. She was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''”

“LOL”

“lol...hahahahaaaa”