Sacco's NY Social Lounge

“i myself have chosen ravioli, buyt it doesn't taste all that good tonight”

“I think you had too much to drink DORK.�
mildbill
9:11:30 PM
11/08/08


Me? I have not!! prove it..”

“OK, ....How many fingers do you see?”

“mine or yours?”

“MINE! They are right in front of your face.”

“ok sorry relax...


ok I see two fingers.

am I right?”

“Ummm, I'm over here....”

“no fair. you said nothing about there being two of you...”

“You just proved my point. You need someone to drive you home.”

“there's a bed in the back she can use. hell, there's a whole apartment over the top of this place.”

“oh hell no. I am in my own private bar.


I never leave home without it :P~”

“silly girly, someone take the paper bag off of her head please.”

“You women are such a blast when you get to drinking.”

“wel i like to think i'm a blast all the time thank you very much!”

“I'm just saying it puts the icing on the cake, or maybe the glaze on the doughnuts.”

“well I'm not into cake...sorry”

“OK, what if I said it puts the climax in sex?”

“then I would say.. you came to soon”

“sex is something that should go on for hours. at least. and then you should wake up in the middle of the night a few times and do it again.

how is it we alwasy come back to this?”

“question...is our bar tender sexy?”

“LOL! you're killing me.”

“wait a minute, are you the bill i have on my myspace? cause then we can see if he is sexy or not.”

“Who me? What's myspace?”

“here he is: http://myspace.com/hikernut wow, those shorts are short!”

“Oh, THAT myspace. They ain't that short.”

“i like the beard. i wouldn't throw him outa my bed for eating crackers. what do you think mapes?”

“sorry I draw the line at crumbs in bed.

no need for that.”

“did we scare him off?”

“Well ya'll have been very fun and entertaining (as usual) but I have to get to bed. BTW I don't like crackers.”

“well then, come to bed without them.”

““sorry I draw the line at crumbs in bed.

no need for that.”
The Dutchess of Road Kill

Who you callin' crumb?”

“silly boyo. no drinks, off to hike somewhere.”

“finished the hike, great pics! but i am in quite a bit of pain, is anyone here to pour?”

“fine, pouring my own again.”

“bump”

“You would think a high class joint like this would at least have a full time bartender.”

“

Oh, you've done it now....


How to derive the maximum enjoyment from crackers
by Mason Williams

Speaking man to man the most important element in deriving the maximum enjoyment from crackers is the choice of a companion to help you enjoy them. She must be someone whom you admire. A beautiful woman, elegant and accustomed to sophistication, a woman whose company is a challenge to enlist, a woman that's hard to get.

In approaching the companion that is going to help you enjoy the crackers, it is best not to tell her of your intention; let it be a surprise to her. Be charmingly mysterious, saying only that you are going to do something currently different. If she accepts your invitation, proceed in making the following arrangements:

Reserve two hotel rooms for the same night in two different hotels; one a single room in a skid-row flop house, and the other, a suite of rooms in the finest hotel in town. If you do not own an expensive car, make arrangements to have one at your disposal for the evening.

On the day of the occasion, a few hours before you are to pick her up, purchase several heads of lettuce, romaine, endive, fresh spinach, etc.; several pounds of fresh ripe tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, olives, green onions, and so forth. In other words, whatever ingredients you would choose to make an attractive salad. Finally, you must also purchase five gallons each of the following dressings: Roquefort, French, Russian, Thousand Island, and Vinegar & Oil.

Take these ingredients to the room at the skid-row hotel. Pull back the covers on the bed and make a four or five inch layer of salad that covers the entire surface of the bed, tossing the salad well with your hands. Pull the covers back over the salad and re-make the bed. Be sure there is no salad on the floor. Place the twenty-five gallons of dressing in the closet.

With the above accomplished, proceed to dress for the evening. Dress as though you were a waiter or a wine captain in an expensive restaurant, but leave doubt as to whether or not this is what your attire really suggests. The doubt is, of course, a personal matter. When you are dressed, and all of the necessary arrangements have been made, proceed to pick up your date.

When you call for her, create an air of wistful mystery. however, try not to make your mystery dark and ominous; keep it light and taunting. If she asks you what is planned for the evening, it is very effective to look into her eyes, smile faintly, but say nothing, and then look away.

Drive casually to the flop house. Make interesting conversation; keep her wondering; answer her questions about what you are going to do with only, "You'll see."

When you arrive at the flop house, take her quickly to the room you have rented. Once inside the room, ask her this question: "By the way, what salad dressing do you prefer?" When she has told you, go into the bathroom and drape a small hand towel over your forearm (a la fancy waiter). Return to the room and pull back the covers on the bed to display the crisp green salad.

One of the high points of the evening is now at hand. You must coax her to lie down in the bed. She may possibly reject such a notion at first, and may even attempt to leave. Reason with her adroitly. One of the finest points of argument to convince her is that it is perfectly all right is "salads are good for you." If she is still hesitant, you can even go so far as to chide her for not being adventuresome. Whatever you do, get her in that bed; get tough if you have to, but get her in that bed!

After she is in the bed, go to the closet and take out the five gallons of her choice of dressing, and with great flair, pour it over her entire body. She will probably make some remarks like: "What is the meaning of this ridiculous tableau? Are you mad, you crazy son-of-a-#&%!$!" Enjoy them.

When you have emptied the entire five gallons of dressing on her, snap your fingers and say "Crackers!" Begging her forgiveness, explain that you have forgotten the crackers. Tell her that you will have to run to the store, and for her not to move a muscle.

Race out of the flop house, drive swiftly to a store and buy a small box of saltines. Do not buy fancy crackers. When you have purchased them, drive to the fine hotel in which you have rented a suite of rooms. Go directly up to your suite, place the box of crackers on the nightstand beside the bed, take your clothes off, and get into bed. Turn the lights off, settle down, and nibble on the crackers one by one. You will derive a maximum enjoyment from them.





from The Mason Williams Reading Matter, 1964


”

“Is that the same Mason Williams that plays "Classical Gas"?”

“The very same.

He's a nut of the first order.


For example.....

Them Moose Goosers

How about Them Moose Goosers,
Ain't they recluse?
Up in them boondocks,
Goosin' them moose.

Goosin' them huge moose,
Goosin' them tiny,
Goosin' them meadowmoose
In they hiney.

Look at Them Moose Goosers,
Ain't they dumb?
Some use an umbrella,
Some use a thumb.

Them obtuse Moose Goosers,
Sneakin' through the woods,
Pokin' them snoozy moose
In they goods.

How to be a Moose Gooser?
It'll turn ye puce.
Gitchy gooser loose and
Rouse a drowsy moose!


or


Them Toad Suckers

How about Them Toad Suckers,
Ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin'
Them green toady-frogs.

Suckin' them hop-toads,
Suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy types,
Suckin' them plunkers.

Look at Them Toad Suckers,
Ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs
Sure makes'em happy.

Them huggermugger Toad Suckers,
Way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads
In they mouth.

How to be a Toad Sucker?
No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad,
Rare back and suck it!



from Them Poems (1964)
Vee-Jay (VJLP 1103)

”

“Ya got any Patsy Cline on the juke?”

“I've often had to fight the urge to tell someone to 'rare back and suck it!'

� � � How about you, Marko?


You can't have a jukebox without Patsy Cline on it. � It just ain't natural.

”

“what the hell kind of joint is this. I come in for hot women and strong drinks. save that poetry slam crap for the beatnik joint down the street.”

“What about strong women and hot drinks?”

“that too”

“HELLO! pour!”

“up”

“anyone seen btch?”

“You here again?”

“no where else to be on a week night. no where else to be on any nigh really. etu?”

“zac told me I should come in here.
I am having a bad day so who is buying?”