Cute Jokes......

“A man runs into the bar and yells at the bartender"Quick, Gimme 20 shots of the best single malt scotch, Quick now!!"

Bartender throws 20 shots up on the bar and fills em all up as fast as he can. Boom, boom, boom...just like that the man is finished with 'em.

Bartender says, "Wow I ve never seen anyone drink that fast."

The man says, "well youd drink fast if you have what i have.."

The bartender says, "HOT DAMN WHAT YOU GOT BOY??"

The mans says "fifty cents."”

“TOP 15 SALES SLOGANS REJECTED BY MOTEL 6:

15. Because you deserve better than the back-seat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the '9,' but you know it's there.
10. You rented the video, now rent the room.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.
8. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER!
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official lodging of the 2004 Milwaukee Brewers.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and easy - just like your mother.

And the number one slogan rejected by Motel 6.....

1. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!”

“LOL..hahahahah”

“Subject: FW: 3 old ladies
>

>Three old ladies, Maude, Matilda and Martha were sitting on a park bench when a flasher appeared with his raincoat open. Maude had a stroke. Then Matilda had a stroke...but poor Martha couldn't reach that far.”

“Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the
patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How
soon can I go home?"”

“from Bette Midler's nightclub act ---

"Excuse me, I've got a frog in my throat... It used to be a prince... "”

“A United States Army general speaking in Korea told a story with a punch line, "Show me. I'm from Missouri." His translator knew the audience wouldn't understand, so he said in Korean, "The general has made a joke and I'll be in trouble if you don't laugh."”

“Q. - Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
























































A. - He heard the ref was blowing fowls.”

“A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine, now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."”

“Why did the duck cross the road?




















It was stapled to the chicken.”

“A lady felt like she was getting too many wrinkles so she went to get a face lift.

The dr. told her about a new experimental way to avoid surgery. He mentioned that if she was interested he could do this procedure and it would not cost her a dime, she would only need to monitor her progress and return in five years for a follow up.

The lady was over joyed.. she said "Please tell me what I have to do!"

The dr said, "Well it's actually simple, we put a screw in right here at the base of your neck in back and ever time you see a wrinkle you tighten it."

So the lady had the screw put in and every time over the next five years when she saw a wrinkle she tighten the screw.

Then the five years were up and she return to the dr.

"So what do you think?" he asked the woman.

"Well, I it was great, I would see a wrinkle and tighten the screw and all was well." "However, I only have one question."

"What is that?" the dr said.

"Why are these bags under my eyes???"

"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs!"

"OOHHHHhhhhhh, that explains my goatee." exclaimed the lady.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?














To see a man lay bricks.”

“How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?























Give her a shovel.”

“Widdle Wabbits
> > > >
> > > > A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest
> > > > little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
> > > >
> > > > As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
> he's
> > on
> > > > her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
and
> > > > fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
> over
> > > > there?"
> > > >
> > > > She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees,
> > > > leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet
python
> > > > weally gives a thit”

“Streamweaver - that has got to be the laziest cut and paste I have ever seen”

“Everybody has something smart to say,dont they!?”

“Lazy but great!”

“Yeah, but looks like he's going to save it and not say it here.”

“Why did Tony Randall cross the road?”

“Cause the viagra was on the other side! And hes gonna need it since hes been running around with that fine youg blonde twinky!LOL”

“OOPS!! I guess Randall really is dead! So that viagra wont be doing him much good after all!”

“And Now For Something Completely Different


An old Jew got a parrot from his sons after his wife died, to keep him company. He discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often, that it had learned to pray. The old man was so thrilled, that he decided to take his parrot to the synagogue on Rosh Ha'shana (the Jewish new year). When he entered with the bird, the rabbi tried to protest, but when he told them the parrot could pray ("daven", in Yiddish), they got interested - though skeptical. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took all the bets. The prayer starts -- the bird is silent. The prayer continues - not a word from the bird. The prayer ends, and the old man, crestfallen, pays out the bets. On the way home he asks his parrot: "What did you do to me? I know you can pray, you know you can pray, I bet you can pray - and you let me down!". Says the parrot: "Look ahead, man, can you imagine what the odds will be like on Yom Kippur?".”

“A chicken and an egg are in bed together and the chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg, in a disappointed voice, says... "Well, now I know the answer to the aged-old question."”

“LOL Buddur,Ive got a cartoon like that.It has the chicken and the egg both in bed and smoking and at the bottom it says Who came first.”

“I thought Who's on first!!!!”

“A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."”

“Sorry Lips...you're 3 months late with that joke...been posted on this thread on 02/18/04 from divinity.”

“repeats are ok if they are funny!!!!”

“stanlee, damn it. I'm going to complain to my friend to stop sending me old jokes!”

“stanlee, damn it. I'm going to complain to my friend to stop sending me old jokes!”

“Hey --- there's nothing wrong with Folk Humor...”

“HONEYMOON



A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went
to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk
and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion -- our
weddin' night, and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked "Would you like the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,
"No, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets
used to it.”

“omg...that's me....power surges!!!!”

“A young boy is on his way to bed when he hears some noise coming from his mothers room. He peaks in and sees her on the bed, naked, touching herself and moaning: "I want a man.....I want a man....I want a man...."

Odd, he thinks, and heads off to bed.

The next night the young boy is on his way to bed when he hears some noise coming from his mothers room. He peaks in and sees her on the bed, naked, touching herself and moaning: "I want a man.....I want a man....I want a man....

Odd, he thinks, and heads off to bed.

The next night the young boy is on his way to bed when he hears some noise coming from his mothers room. He peaks in and sees her on the bed, naked, moaning, with a man on top of her!

Shocked, the young boy runs to his room, whips off his clothes, jumps on his bed and starts touching himself, moaning:






I want a bike...I want a bike...I want a bike...”

“omg...LOL>.hahahahaahhahaha”

“LMAO!!”

“An old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch ,like he does every afternoon.
Along comes a kid with a big ol bail of wire.
The old man asks him,hey kid what you gonna do with all that wire??
And the kid says,well this is chicken wire an Im gonna catch me some chickens!
The old man just laughs and says sure kid sure.
Well sure enough about an hour later the kid comes strolling back the way he had come with a fat ol chicken under each arm.The old man was surprised but he figured the kid was just playing a joke on him.
The very next day the old man is rocking in his chair and along comes the kid again ,this time with a big roll of duct tape.
The old man says ok Ill bite, hey kid what ya gonna do with all that duct tape?
Kid says ,why im ginna catch me a couple of ducks to go with the chickens.
Again the old man just laughs and says sure kid sure.
Well, be damned if that kid didnt show up with a couple fat ducks all wrapped up in duct tape.
The old man is really starting to wonder now ,but still he shakes his head an says nah must be a joke.
For the 3rd day in a row ,the kid comes strollin up while the old man was rockin in his chair on the porch.
The old man says ,well kid what ya got today?
The kid says ,well mister ,what I have here is a couple of #&%!$willow branches,and the old man says, hold on boy Ill get my hat!”

“Yes -- definitely a Classic.



If you really like that cartoon Div, click on it and it'll take you to where you can get the t-shirt.”

“Okay, I am going to try and redeem myself for posting an old joke with this joke that I think it cutting edge.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under:

Warnings-Alimony/Child >Support." I recommend that you keep
Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to >alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean/ Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, .....Tech Support”

“Lol.

Get a Mac.”

“I dunno....

'Extremely Critical' Security Hole Found In Mac OS X
Secunia, a security research group, says the problem can be exploited
by malicious sites to remotely attack at-risk systems.

http://update.techweb.com/cgi-bin4/DM/y/ehCU0GMhnj0G4W0CXmX0Ar”

“omg that was so cute!!!!”

“Not the same as the other jokes on this thread but I got this in an e-mail and thought folks might get a kick out of it.


Dear Pastor,

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.

Yours sincerely, Arnold Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor,

Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

Sincerely, Pete Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor,

My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.

Robert Age 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

Love, Patty Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor,

My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.

Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor,

I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Stephen Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor,

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

Loreen Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor,

I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important then money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor,

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

Laurie Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor,

I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

Love, Ellen Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor,

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.

Thank you. Alexander Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor,

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Joshua Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor,

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

Carla Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor,

I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

Ralph Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor,

How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

Sincerely, Marie Age 9, Lewiston”

“A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma - but I'm > glad I came."”

“LOL...omg...hahahahahahahah”

“Y'allbonics...

Not to be outdone by Ebonics in California, the Southern Association of
Colleges & Schools is requesting billions of federal dollars to teach
y'allbonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon line. Included here
are some samples of y'allbonics. If y'all do not understand any of them, contact your closest southern bubba for an explanation.

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a coke."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep on fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh ass."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.. must be from some farn
country.

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) & (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) & pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"”

“you left out a few, these are more appalachian, a subunit of southern:

youins: (noun) a contaction, alternate form of yall
Usage: What youins gonna do with that truck?

didja: (adverb) a contraction
usage: Didja see that new truck Billy got?”

“Hey Wolfeyes...what's really sad is that I knew the meaning to all those words without even reading the description.

;)”

“Same here, MDShiker. YOu shouldv'e seen all the phonetically spelled letters I used to write to a friend in West Virginia! Yikes!”