Cute Jokes......

“�Waiter! � What is this fly doing in my soup??�

Don't scream and shout
and wave it about
or the others will
be wanting one too!”

“I don't know WTF that was, but I'm LMAO!”

“Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave

Dave

Dave, You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".”

“Sally the blonde in accounting comes in one morning and says,"Well I am a bit worried about my Doctor's Appointment yesterday."

Her friends ask her to explain what happened.

She says," I went in and the doctor asked me to undress so he could check me."

One girl says thats not unusual for a medical exam.

Sally replied,"Yeah but this guy is a dentist."”

“Last night my daughter and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a #&%!$.”

“LOL”

“Maybe this one's been here before.....but I don't want to check all 36 pages.

A blonde was riding the elevator down and she turned to the guy next to her and said, "T.G.I.F". The guy looked at her puzzled. The blonde repeated,"TGIF!!!" And the guy is still puzzled. The girl said, "TGIF....Thank God It's Friday". The gun now says to her, "S.H.I.T.....Sorry Honey It's Thursday".”

“LOL....I hate when I think it's Friday!!!!”

“Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."”

“Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag......

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'”

“Potatoes



Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life..

They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland..

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......


*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER”

“What ever happened to Yam anyway?”

“Hmmm....good question.”

“Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.”

“The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and
a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them
into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they
can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table
and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady
who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'

She answered:




"THE TEETH."”

“
Apologies in advance....


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like he other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dlck toad!"

”

“This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"”

“Why couldn't the little sailor go to the Pirate movie?


It was rated Arrh!”

“LOL..hahahahahaaaaaa!!!”

“A 16 year old Italian boy goes to confession for the first time in years.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.


"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped in defending this girl's honor and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,


'What'd you get?', to which Joey replied

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'”

“An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.......

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!””

“Cindy was a little rushed on her wedding day, so she called her mom to pack some clothes for her. "Mom, remember to pack my long black slip...it looks good on me." said Cindy.
Of course mom was abit rushed too....so just before heading to the church she quickly dumped a few items into Cindy's suitcase....and mistakenly tossed in a pink teddy.
After everything was over and Bill and Cindy were in their hotel room at night, they decided to "Do it". Since they've never "Done it" and were shy....they decided to undress in different rooms. Bill said, "Ok, I'll change in the bedroom, and you change in the washroom....but don't peek at me!!!" As they were undressing, Bill heard Cindy cry out, "Oh no, it's pink, wrinkled and short". Bill shot back, "I told you not to look".”

“Lol Div!”

“roflol!”

“So there is this inbred Tennessee guy...well I forget but it ends up with Karo trying to hump his 6 year old cousin.”

“Toyota Sux!



































































































































































































Still sux!”

“Karo...who did you shill for? GM of Ford?”

““Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
Very long pause….
“Java.””

“The first blonde, an American, said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.”

“Are you saying that is not the truth Gremlin?
darn I will never get past St Peter!”

“Love it, Gremlin!”

“Well! Did the third blonde get past the Pearly Gates?”

“Of course!!! It would not be Heaven without Blond's would it? How would Brunettes look good?”

“Canucks and pupies gotta go to heaven, eh?

A reward for all that sovelling.”

“Sorry grem you failed ST Petes spelling Bee !”

“Aw, eh?”

“pupies! sovelling! No halo for you! go to the corner and peel spuds.”

“My bad. It's puppies, but it's still shovelling. Have you adopted US spelling? Not I.”

“How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?












Enough to kill two and a half men.”

“Grem you typed "soveling"
For business I have had to adopt the Americanese form of English. Mainly for contracts.
It puzzles me where all the "U's" disappeared too?"
Two great Nations separated by a common language ! So true.”

“well you are in America....”

“And very happy to be here Sunni. Small price to pay.
Everyone should adapt to their host.
Pity it is not law. It would keep a lot of people on their own side of the fence!”

“There were those three hikers from Texas who came out here a couple years ago to get some 14ers out in Chicago Basin. From what I recall, they came upon some tracks, and couldn't figure out what they were. One of them swore they were mountain lion, and the other guys argued that they were either black bear or grizzly. Then, all of a sudden, the train came along and ran them all over.”

“ROFLMAO!”

“Little guy sitting at the bar. Huge Texan walks in takes one look at the little guy cracks him on the back of the neck and says to the Barman "When he wakes tell him that was a chop from Japan!"
Next night same thing. In walks the Texan,,,,, WHACK!! "Tell him him when he wakes up that was a chop from China!"
Next night in walks the Texan as he nears the bar the little guy jumps up on the bar and cracks the Texan over the head... Blood everywhere!
"Tell that MF when he wakes up, that was a starting handle from a model T Ford!"”

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".”

“A man and a woman decided they needed a code word for sex, so that they could let each other know when they wanted to do it when they were in front of the childred. So they came up with "typewriter".
One day the couples little girl came into the room that her mother was in and said. " Mom, Dad wants you to help him type a letter."
The mother replied, " Tell your father I can't help him type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
A few days latter the little girl came into the room where her father was and said, "Dad, Mom says she can help you type that letter now."
The father then replied, " Tell her not to worry about it, I've already hand written the letter."”

“There was a man in church one day confessing his sins. He said "Preacher , me and my wife have only had sex nine times and we have nine kids. We've only ever had sex to have a child, but the other day she was bent over to pick up a bag of potatoes and I just couldn"t help myself. You ain't gonna kick us out of the church are you?" The preacher said "Well no, why would I do that?" The man said " They kicked us out of the grocery store."”

“"cute?"”