Cute Jokes......

“I didn't even have to look at who posted this thread to know it was you, divinity!!!

Good stuff. Albeit, ridiculous.”

“Everytime I hear #19 I can only but wonder about what combination of drugs it took to produce THAT one...

'32oz”

“32oz., we used to try and come up with things like that when we were terminally bored in school.”

“Actually, that would have been an awesome lesson for an english teacher to plan..

I was teaching my kids mean median mode range and plotting data.. Instead of just giving them numbers I wanted them to collect data...

When they asked what kind of data, I suggested points scored by your favorite team or player, temperatures etc etc.. One student didn't like any of the ideas, so I asked him if he played video games (I know dumb ?).. SO I told him to use his scores as data... That way when he was playing video games and his parent told him it was time to do his homework, he could tell them that he was...

I am sure the parents are loving me right about now...

'32oz
last edited: 1/14/09 5:27:20 AM”

“I love puns.”

“A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” he says.

“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket — are you a republican?” asked the journalist.

“Yes, and I’m a christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.

“Well, I’ll make sure this act won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.””

“If that guy was actually a republican he would have said the girl was in there by her own choice, got in his limo and drove off;)”

“As my retirement investments have taken such a beating this last year I thought I should look for some supplemental income.

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As instructed, I said pleasantly: 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


Hope my retirement investments return soon!”

“Good luck on a more enduring employment, Icky. ~snicker~”

“A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

“A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife
if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she
said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...

So I just switched the heads.' .”

“That's just sick...

I love it.”

“Thanks!!!...I loved it!!!”

“I knew I liked that woman for something!”

“A Florida couple, both well into their 80s go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

“ROFL!!!”

“Divinity you are a baaaaaad girl!




I wish there were more out there like you.”

“The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra or bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went...
My engaged friend:
"The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
Then I had to share my story:
"When my husband came home I was wearing a leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said -- "What's for dinner, Batman?"”

“..I got an email with this signature.....



" When I die, I want to die like my Grampa died ..Peacefully, in my sleep...

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car..."”

“LOL”

“A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she
cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the
mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at
least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to
drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
__________________
There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.”

“Cute....and true!!! LOL!”

“Good one divinity.”

“Subject: The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'”

“ROFL!”

“Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.”

“Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were
very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic
the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home
they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home
with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'”

“Blonde Jokes
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking, and one to the other, blonde says, "Which do
you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into
a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He
replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She
replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the
other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and
screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a
blonde." "I thought so," the doctor
said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the
blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde
were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the
first in space!" The American said, "We were
the first on the moon!" The Blonde said,
"So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each
other and shook their heads. "You can't land on
the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're
not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one
night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?" She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE
TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde
friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what
their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"”

“Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real #&%!$ this time.'”

“The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"”

“You're feeling pretty good today aren't you?”

“lol.....good mail today...lol.....”

“Mike wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Mike is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He doesn't even remember how he got home from the party.



As bad as he is feeling, he wonders if he did something wrong. Mike forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, there is a single red rose!! Mike sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.



He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:



'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, your wife'



He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.



Mike asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'



'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'



Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'



His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone #&%!$, I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS”

“A penguin brought his car to a garage to get it fixed. As he was walking around the parking lot he decided to get some ice cream since it`s such a hot day.

Walking back to the garage and slurping the ice cream cone, quite a few drops dripped onto him. As he entered the garage, the mechanic informed him, "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied, "No, it`s only ice cream".”

“LMAO @ Stanlee”

“LOl...good one!~!!...lol.......”

“A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person
one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish
is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is
done.

The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be
gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous,
but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish
will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'”

“Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight. ' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the #&%!$es. '”

“I read them all and I like the Ugly joke the best!!! Great job Div!!!”

“This old guy sits down next to a punker on a bus. The old guy keeps on staring at the kid who had orange, red, green, blue an purple hair. Finally the punker said, "Hey old timer....haven't you ever done something fun and crazy when you were young?" The old guy replied, "Yeah....when the guys and I did our tour in Vietnam, we got so drunk once....we went to get tattoos....and I saw this real pretty parrot there....and I had S E X with it.....I'm wondering if you're my son?"”

“LOL!”

“LOL”

“LMAO!! i like the ugly one too...”

“Worried that their son was too optimistic, the parents of a little boy took him to a psychiatrist. Trying to dampen the boy�s spirits, the psychiatrist showed him into a room piled high with nothing but horse manure. Yet instead of displaying distaste, the little boy clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to all fours, and began digging.

�What do you think you�re doing?� the psychiatrist asked.

�With all this manure,� the little boy replied, beaming, �there must be a pony in here somewhere.�”

“Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box,

he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.










'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.




'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.


Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there

waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....

flying directly overhead..



Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,


I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?”

“LOL”

“As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our physicians and therapists etc and in this case a new urologist for me.

My family doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"”

“Yeah, that is awkward.”

“;-)

My current Dr. is a cute female about 15-20 years younger than me.”

“Did you hear about the new Denny�s breakfast in the OctoMom's honor?

14 eggs, no sausage, and the person at the next table pays.”