Cute Jokes......

“I HATE MY JOB" DAY:

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!!”

“WALMART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to
Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME:
George Martin

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll
cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION:

Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.

If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50lbs:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes,so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.



SIGN HERE:
Sagittarius
last edited: 3/30/05 9:11:23 AM”

“Nowslimmer applied at WalMart”

“That was my first thought, RA!”

“A hillbilly was walking down the street with his teenage daughter and ran into an old friend of his. His friend barely even saw him because his eyes were glued on the young girl.

“Hey Fred, who’s the purty young than with ya?”

“Why that’s my daughter.”

“Oh yeah? Is she’sexually active’?”

“Naw, she just lays there like her mom does.””

“oh I love it!!!”

“Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.”

“Not according to BearMagnet”

“What did the chicken say to the cow?

















Nothing. Cows can't talk.”

“har


har




har”

“This will probably be gone soon!

http://www.google.com/googlegulp/”

“Why do they call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?










Because there were so many Kinghts.”

“*Groan* ;-)”

“Two thirds of a pun. P U”

“LOL, I like that one.”

“A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with
> his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,
> "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
>
>
> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom
> and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and
make me
> feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as
> my boyfriend."
>
>
> Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started
> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she
> finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the
problem.
>
>
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and
> there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
>
>
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> boyfriend."
>
>
> Grandma's minister fainted.”

“Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act
of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (see DX you don't need all those shoes)
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one
color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
last edited: 4/06/05 9:38:45 AM”

“What's the opposite of Scooby Doo?











Scooby Don't.”

“"You only have to shave your face and neck."

What about my back...”

“If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you're an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?














European.









I've been hanging out with my grandkid again.”

“Nice, I'm surprised I'd never heard that one, seems obvious.”

“You only have to shave your face and neck."

What about my back...”
Bison
10:15:32 AM
4/06/05
if you shave your back that means your gay”

“Why is he happy if he shaves his back?”

“Why is he happy if he shaves his back?”
the-naviguesser
10:20:46 AM
4/06/05

if "he" is Bison it is because "he" is gay


seems to me that would be a pain to do and when it started growing back..talk about stubble”

“What shaving my back means I'm happy?

I thought I was automatically happy because I'm a man.”

“Hey, he's a lot happier shaving his back than getting it waxed.”

“THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!!!!





Dang kids!
last edited: 4/06/05 10:42:45 AM”

“Bison, you brought up shaving your back that would not be happy thing, razor burns..ouch”

“A razorback
”

“Man, I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!”

“Thread degeneration on the 'cute jokes' thread.
Oh the Humanity! ;-)


PS: that last thing from the-nav was pretty funny
last edited: 4/07/05 11:11:18 AM”

“Is that according to the Conservative definition of "Thread Degeneration" or "Cute Joke"?

8^)”

“Let's leave the politics for the Fuego threads. OK? ;-)”

“Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.”

“30 Lines to make you smile today:
>
> 1. My husband and I divorced over religious
> differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
> 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy
> every minute of it.
> 3. I work hard because millions on welfare
> depend on me!
> 4. Some people are alive only because it's
> illegal to kill them.
> 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it
> broke.
> 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets
> out alive.
> 7. You're just jealous because the voices
> only talk to me.
> 8.
> 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the
> universe.
> 10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are
> missing.
> 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
> why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
> 13. God must love stupid people; He made so
> many.
> 14. The gene pool could use a little
> chlorine.
> 15. Consciousness: That ! annoying time
> between naps.
> 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start
> again?
> 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than
> being under it!
> 18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I
> wanted to be when I grew up.
> 19. Procrastinate Now!
> 20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you
> want fries with that?
> 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
> 22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with
> a cash advance
> 23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park
> elsewhere!
> 24. They call it PMS because "mad cow
> disease" was already taken.
> 25. He who dies with the most toys is
> nonetheless dead.
> 26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but
> it uses up three
> thousand times the memory.
> 27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken,
> a lifetime
> commitment
> for a pig.
> 28. The trouble with life is there's no
> background music.
> 29. The original point and click interface
> was a Smith and
> Wesson.
> 30. I smile because I don't know what the
> heck is going on.
>
>”

“What happened to line #8?”

“LOL..I don't know...LOL..”

“One afternoon a guy goes down to the pier to see how the fishing is going. He notices that all the boats are pretty much empty except for this one whose boat is loaded with fish.”

“errant enter key, SORRY. I'll try again”

“One afternoon a guy goes down to the pier to see how the fishing is going. He notices that all the boats are pretty much empty except for this one whose boat is loaded with fish. He asks the guy how he did so well when everyone elso got skunked. The fisherman tells him he doesnt have time to explain , but if he shows up in the morning, He would take him with and show him how. The next morning, The man shows up and they go out. After a while the guy cuts the motor and reaches under his seat.He pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it , tosses it in the water and POOOOF!! a ton of fish come floating to the top. The passenger says "WOW!! thats a lot of fish." Then he says "Thats great, but I hate to tell you this , but I work for Natural resources and Im going to have to arrest you." The fisherman reaches under his seat, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the passenger and says "Are you going to bore me with what you do for a living or are you going to go fishing?"”

“Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a
ladder.

"The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"”

“Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chapeau. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and
she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?!"”

“Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized

"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.”

“> > A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
> > years.
> >
> > He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
> > finds a
> >
> > young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to
> > a chair.
> >
> > While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on
> > top
> >
> > of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
> >
> >
> >
> > While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
> >
> >
> >
> > "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
> >
> > probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
> >
> > years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
> > resist,
> >
> > don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
> > how
> >
> > much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he
> >
> > gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
> >
> >
> >
> > His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
> > my ear.
> >
> >
> > He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
> > any
> >
> > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
> > love you, too!"”

“Two kids were walking through their neighborhood when the pass an old, spooky-looking house, completely boarded up and uninhabited for years. The first kid says, "That's the haunted house in this neighborhood." The other kid says "Oh bull#&%!$, there's no such thing."

"There is too!" says the first kid.

"Is not," says the other.

"I double-dog dare ya to go it!" says the first.

"OK," says the other kid, "but you gotta come in with me so I can prove it's not haunted."

"OK fine," says the first kid, and they go up to the front door.

They push it open, and as they do they can just barely hear what sounds like a hundred voices saying...

When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!

The kids are a little scared but they go on in the house. Once inside, they hear it again, a little louder...

When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!

"Where do you think it's coming from?" asks the first kid.

"Upstairs," says the other kid. "You afraid to go up there?"

"No, not me!" says the first kid, and they go upstairs.

When they get up there, they can hear it better...

When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!

"Which room is it coming from?" asks the first kid.

"This one here," says the other kid. "You afraid to go in?"

"Not me!" says the first kid, and they open the door. It turns out to be the bathroom, and they go in.

The voices are even louder now, and the kids are starting to get a little scared...

When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!!!!!

"Where's it coming from?" asks the first kid.

"I think from the toilet!" says the other kid. "You afraid to lift the lid?"

"Not me!" says the first kid, and he goes over to the toilet to lift the lid.

Then, the voices get even louder...


When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!!!!!

The first kid lifts the lid....




....and sees a turd floating in the water with a hundred ants on top of it. They shout in unison...

When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!!!!!
last edited: 5/06/05 10:41:02 AM”

“Got that one from the Cub Scouts didn't ya??”

“lol yes, last weekend.”

“Bunch of degenerates, LOL!”

“It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals
> > throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course
> > of normal conversation with their co-workers.
>
>
> > Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> > offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
> >
> > We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
> > accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.
> > Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been
provided
> > so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
> > effective manner.
> >
> > 1) TRY SAYING:
> > I think you could use more training.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
> >
> >
> >
> > 2) TRY SAYING:
> > She's an aggressive go-getter.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > She's a ball-busting b__ch.
> >
> >
> >
> > 3) TRY SAYING:
> > Perhaps I can work late.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
> >
> >
> >
> > 4) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > No f___ing way.
> >
> >
> >
> > 5) TRY SAYING:
> > Really?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > You've got to be sh__ing me!
> >
> >
> >
> > 6) TRY SAYING:
> > Perhaps you should check with...
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Tell someone who gives a sh__.
> >
> >
> >
> > 7) TRY SAYING:
> > I wasn't involved in the project.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > It's not my f____ing problem.
> >
> >
> >
> > 8) TRY SAYING:
> > That's interesting.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > What the f___?
> >
> >
> >
> > 9) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > This sh__ won't work.
> >
> >
> >
> > 10) TRY SAYING:
> > I'll try to schedule that.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me
sooner?
> >
> >
> >
> > 11) TRY SAYING:
> > He's not familiar with the issues.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > He's got his head up his a__.
> >
> >
> >
> > 12) TRY SAYING:
> > Excuse me, sir?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Eat sh__ and die.
> >
> >
> >
> > 13) TRY SAYING:
> > So you weren't happy with it?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Kiss my a__.
> >
> >
> >
> > 14) TRY SAYING:
> > I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > F___ it, I'm on salary.
> >
> >
> >
> > 15) TRY SAYING:
> > I don't think you understand.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Shove it up your a__.
> >
> >
> >
> > 16) TRY SAYING:
> > I love a challenge.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > This job sucks.
> >
> >
> >
> > 17) TRY SAYING:
> > You want me to take care of that?
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > Who the h___ died and made you boss?
> >
> >
> >
> > 18 ) TRY SAYING:
> > He's somewhat insensitive.
> > INSTEAD OF:
> > He's a pr_ck.
> >
> >
> >
> > Thank You,
> > Human Resources
> >
>
>”

“"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

So....we are getting already USED thermometers????????

ewwwww.....”