The Night Crawlers: Scorch, Dub, Roam

“chicks you meet online can really keep your life interesting...i dont know why but it just seems a little different...well with me anyways...seems like the ones i have known from online are kinda wellllll....nymphish ya know?”

“Dub, where you from?”

“Good ol WV. I gave up on online chicks. I once drove six hours to Lynchburg, VA to meet a chick I met online...she sumbitted her roommates pic rather than hers...she was huge and hideous!”

“thats a good one shep”

“i like the one i met online.”

“Check out this: TT Search Look at the jump pages!

Off to BWs to pick up some wings, be back in 20.”

“LOL Dub - the horror story of online dating.”

“she sumbitted her roommates pic rather than hers...she was huge and hideous!"
Dub
08:27:12 PM

never ask for just one pic....always ask for that webcam or either a pic of her acting like shes picking her nose or something that someone wouldnt normally take....


yeah roam like i said i would have loved to have that song to sing to some of my ex ...whatever they were anyways...some were gfs some were just fun bunnies”

“I met this girl (see above) online. It was good while it was good.”

“I've resorted to online dating, since i've given up on this town...

I've had experiences...

Once i drove an hour to get drug into a back room at a party by this large chick, that's the point I said, that's enough I'm going home. My other experiences haven't been too bad... one was dumber than a bag of rocks, but that doesn't mean you still can't have a good time.”

“simer just go meet them at a bar or something...that way you can always play it off like.... oh hell no im not ________ you are way too hot for me he must be a lucky guy...”

“yeah... it's always good to leave an out. I'm not very good at that though.

I'm not usually that mean, and if she is ugly or fat or stupid, I still try to have a good time, sometimes it goes too far though and that's the point i get up and leave.”

“ha wuss...man you have got to show a little respect and tell em hey you and me just aint gonna work...also save face that way if a buddy shows up or someone that knows someone that knows you it wont fall back and make you look like a putz who will date any chick that breathes”

“yeah, it's good to have an out at least for that first meeting.”

“A Must Read for all Non-Hermaphrodites
Update by Bobby on Mar. 20th, 2004



Have you ever found yourself under an intoxicated beguilement seeking the sordid bodily pleasures of the opposite sex? Does the auspex of alcohol have you “hollering” at people below your normal standards, yet above the weight capacity for most buses? Perhaps you’ve mistook the potentially enticing “shaking of one’s tail feather” for the frenzied flapping of a mammoth whale-fin? Do you like Pizza Hut?

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions you have gonorrhea; great job Thunder Lips. Regardless, the point of this article is not your dilapidated genitals, but rather the combatant of “Tall Tale Sunday” which, like clockwork, follows every inebriated weekend. I’m sick of hearing people’s euphemistic descriptions of the gross creatures they got busy with. If you hooked up with a bovine of the heifer breed I want you to admit it and supply thwarting details. I then expect you to rate it appropriately so the world can have a cheap laugh at your expense.

Who can honestly say they haven’t waken the morning after a sweet bender, under the impression they snatched something pretty, only to find out that they hooked up with their best friend’s dad (this applies to both girls and guys). If it happened, don’t prance around like he/she/it was a hot number. You’re not cool. My ADD won’t sit through your elaborative fable.

Where was I? Ah, yes, people putting on an embarrassing show without a truthful tell. This is partly due to the archaic hookup rating system we college students rely on. The trite numerical classification as a hookup gauge is wack. The 1-10 scale fluctuates like the weight of a bulimic sumo wrestler and is about as reliable as a nymphomaniac girlfriend (I still hate you Sarah). There’s no quality control. One man’s 9 is another man’s “MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!” which, for Michael Jackson, is a child under the age of 9. Therefore, I’m implementing a candid five-fold assessment scale ranging from the compulsive lie (The Impossible Dream) down to the most embarrassing moment of your life (The Vietnam Flashback).

The Impossible Dream
The world is broken into two groups: those that have never hooked up with anyone in this category and those who have lied about it. This category encompasses the Helen of Troys, the Fabios, the babester babes, and the crème de la hunks. The only mortals who do snag these prurient beings are those who do so with help of a wingman with the first name “Roof” and last name “fies”. If someone stakes the claim they lived “The Impossible Dream” a.) Polygraph their ass b.) Call the cops c.) Recommend they try out for the LA Lakers.

Goin’ for the Gold
This is the girl or guy who’s been on your “To Do” list since the ‘80s. A lofty endeavor indeed, your A-Game must be brought as you clock in long man-hours of tedious conversation and feigned laughter. The selfless sacrifice of your friends is crucial as they divert potential “haters” from blowing your spot up. With a bit of luck and a lot of alcohol, you may find yourself “standing” one sweet night. Fittingly, the next day you should be on a megaphone broadcasting your dissolute exploit to the immediate world.
Middle Ground
You decided to play it safe. While it was nothing to write home about it was nothing to enter the witness protection program over either.

The Blooper Reel
Ouch. Maybe you were running interference for a friend, and while they were groping someone higher on this scale, you were sucking the face off something nasty. Still, as gross as aforesaid beast was, you can still look back with friends and laugh over it. When someone says, “Remember that animal with the missing teeth you made out with. Hahahahaha.” You will be able to squeak out a “Ha”.

A Vietnam Flashback
The hookup you never want to relive. No matter how much alcohol was consumed, no matter how forced or comatose you were at the time, there is no excuse for a ‘Nam Flashback. Would you want to relive Charlie gutting your best bud right in front of your eyes? Well, the same goes for a ogre that falls into this category. The memory will haunt your nightmares and wake you in a cold sweat forever.

In conclusion fellow college students, it’s not fair to rob us hecklers of potential laughs at your expense. If you do find yourself on the wrong end of something nasty, be honest with yourself and admit it was a “blooper”. Like the chubby chick with the midriff tube top, don’t cover it up. When your buzz rubs off and “Cinderella” turns into something that belongs in a cage at midnight, remember this article.

Since the FCC won't let anybody say anything cool on the radio anymore, check out our friends The Smut Doctors here. Or, if you're down for something a tad cleaner, Meg had a new column out today called "Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Except for You."

Please tell these hotlinks I say hello.”

“haha

what are you slackers doing tonight?”

“"chicks you meet online can really keep your life interesting...i dont know why but it just seems a little different...well with me anyways...seems like the ones i have known from online are kinda wellllll....nymphish ya know?"
shep0987
08:25:52 PM
03/23/04

define nymphish please......”

“I wonder why this thread came to the top when I posted....but not the cute jokes thread????”

“because this is a "general" thread, cute jokes is a "chatter" thread...”

“well..poo.....”

“you people are boring tonight...

zzzz”

“so entertain me.....”

“I'm so glad that when scorchy made this thread it was made under general, eheheh”

“uhh how old are you??? you need a definition of nymph??? well nymphish is just what it would seem...if you want ALL the details youll just have to email me....ha”

“Details mean nothing unless you keep photographic evidence--like I do.”

“Real nightcrawlers don't go to bed until noon, night y'all.”

“it's gotta be about bedtime right? damn i'm tired... only 7 hrs of school left.”

“Grrrr, ever have that feeling that you just want to kick somebody's ass.... ahh, i hate my landlord. if he's gonna pull this bull#&%!$ on me i'm bringing my dog back up here, what's he gonna do? kick me out, ha fine by me...”

“i need to settle down... *deep breaths*

Lack of sleep... stressfull tests... arghh”

“what the heck happend simer? what'd the bastage landlord try to pull?”

“lol, i was hoping to get out of there by the end of april... our "verbal agreement" on the lease was 'until the end of the school year' which ends on may 4th, he's gonna make me pay for the month of may because the school year goes into may, even though i said i'd leave in april.”

“now if i'm gonna have to pay for may's rent... i might have to stay in this town and find something to do for a month... grr

i was hoping to get out of here and go on a road trip or something... of course i could still leave, but i have to pay rent..”

“maybe you could negotiate with him and pay half of may and agree to be out by April 30 - that way he could "clean" or whatever to make it ready for a new tennant before the end of May.

I had a guy do me the same way once. I failed to give a written notice, he was a friendly guy and we talked several times - he was storing stuff in the basement so we saw him a lot. So I told him verbally when we'd be leaving and then he held me to the end of hte lease term, an extra two months that I had to pay.

landlords are jerks by nature.”

“You could go ahead and bring Forest up there though. You might as well, it's not like you'll need him for a reference will you? you might though, next semester.”

“lol, yeah... next year i'll need an apartment...”

“well, i'm off to test my first responder skills... this should be fun, wish me luck.”

“There's no point in having a "verbal agreement" with a landlord. Only what's on paper counts.

Sublease it to a noisy friend for the month of May.”

“thats a good idea.”

“I'm evil, just ask Mapleleaf...lol...”

“evil ideas is FUM DE DEBBIL



lol”

“borrrring”

“So bit isn't the antichrist.”

“Roommates suck.”

“care to expand?”

“I've got it. Trade simmer with Dub's roommates.”

“there ya go, everyone's prob is solved.”

“And people say this thread is worthless. We're solving the world problems here. One problem at a time.”

“So the other day I posted the gayest thing I had ever seen which was a quote from my roommates IM Away message. it said something along the lines of "oh baby counting sheep isn't as bad as counting the days until i can be in your arms again."

I thought it was sad and pathetic so I put it in my AIM profile making fun of it, not saying a word about who it belonged to, roommate, friend, etc. So today my #&%!$ roommate steps it up a notch and make up this #&%!$ and puts it in his profile with my name:

parputt: My room mate is an overweight wannabe backpacker who doesn't have big enough balls to tell his girlfriend he doesn't want to be with her anymore. Instead he makes fun of me for being happy with my girlfriend. He is by far the gayest person I have ever met. He is in fact so gay that I'll have to put it in my profile so when someone asks, "Who's the gayest person you've ever met?" I can say, "Jeremy" and let them read my profile..
friendsresponse: Yes, it is quite sad and pathetic, you should tell eveyone that he is so gay he probably keeps his girlfriend around to hide the fact that he is a flaming fudge packer with a gerbil fetish and a pet yorkie who wears pretty little bows.

So I put this into mine today:

wvabackpacker: Matt, you are an #&%!$.
response: Yes, I could only finish college with an associates degree after four years. When you tried to help me get a job I played DiabloII 18 hours a day and smoked a ton of weed and almost failed the drug test for the $10/hr job I have. Of course my parents think I looked for a job everyday. My g/f thinks I don't smoke weed anymore either.
response: I never did thank you for all those meals you bought me, the 20 days free rent you gave me, the $30 shirt you gave me, and the uncountable amount of time you tried to help me with things like balancing my checkbook which is beyond me still. Also thanks for telling my satan worshiping girlfriend I hated her friend as I was too much a #&%!$ to do it myself. Pass the bowl!

And this as my away message:

Oh, BTW Matt. At least I have a dog, where is your little weiner dog? Ex girlfriend took him? And at least this fatass backpacker wannabe isn't a body builder wannabe that has to use steroids because he's jealous that his fat out of shape friend can bench more than he can. And I never put your name in my profile or told anyone who it was. You took a harmless joke to the next level.

So I'm a little pissed over this because I never told anyone who it was and he puts my name up.”

“Yeah, I'd be fairly pissed off too. Is he still outside picking up his #&%!$ off the lawn? If so is it starting to rain?”