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A joke to chill you all out. READ IT!
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“The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."”
“A better punchline would be: "I wish the joke ended three lines ago."”
“maple - You little peacemaking troublemaker! ;)
Good luck, stay calm tonight at your class. You'll do fine.”
“but at least it was not chuck full of drama.
“So, did the rabbit want to be a gay biker, or what???”
“He wanted to be a gay biker and be the lead singer of a bad called The Village People.”
“Never heard of them, tell us about it.”
“I don't know much about them either. I think I saw them on the front cover of Rolling Stone.
No offense to tmembers of the bar
“A madame had opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 20s or early 30s.
"Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man
pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever comeback two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Tennessee."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in Tennessee."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is:
Some things in life are certain ...
3. And being screwed by a lawyer”
“Oh, the fun I could have.
Good one, chili! lol....”
“The new Iraqi ambassador went to the White House to visit George Bush. After dinner they started talking about US pop culture and got on to Star Trek.
"Mr. President, I am very concerned. I was watching a show called Star Trek and they have a wide range of races from the world on there but I did not see any Arabs represented."
Bush leans over, "Cuz that's set in the future son."”
“ok here goes the version I heard:
A bear and a rabbit were taking a sh*t in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit:"Do you ever have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys:"No, I never have that problem." So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit!”
or he could just use the rabbit as an appetizer to court the female bears”
“Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'
'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '
And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.
'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool?
Is this 854-7039?!!!”
“I want to hear one that starts with "A bear and a rabbit walk into a bar..."”
“and the bear took at a small cage and in it was a one foot tall man playing the piano....”
“a bear and a rabbit walked into a bar...the moose ducked”
“I got a giggle!
“The Cat, The Mice, And Heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"”
“Dang it Karo!
Ya stold my joke!!
You must be a Jay Hickman fan too.”
“Two guys are playing golf on the Augusta course when they see two women playing ahead of them. One guy tells the other one to go tell those damn women to get off our course. The guy runs about half way up to the women and turns back around. He says, "I can't tell them to leave. One's my wife and the other one's my girlfreind. You go tell 'em.". The other guy runs up to the women but stops half way there. He runs back and says, "Hey, small world.".”
“One dusty day in the old west a gunslinger and his two sidekicks were riding down the trail. As they rounded a bend the were confrnted by a three legged dog standing in the middle of the trial.
The gunslinger and the three legged dog stared each other down for a minute before the gunslinger dismounted from his horse. They continued to size each other up, but before the gunslinger had a chance to draw the three legged dog pounced and went straing for the gunslingers neck. After a brief struggle the gunslinger lay dead. The three legged dog threw a backwards glance at the two sidekicks and hobbled off into the sunset.
"I knew that would come back to haunt the gunslinger one day" said the first sidekick.
"What was that?" asked the second.
The first replied.... " He shot his paw".”
“A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know jack about my business...... Now give me back my dog."”
“LOL chili. That is hilarious!!”
“Good one chili, yeah dude i heard all Jay's tapes, but I heard that one years ago.”
“"So, did the rabbit want to be a gay biker, or what???"
Aren't all bikers gay?
If not, what's with all the black leather?”
“...shot his paw...rofl”
“One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s ays, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."”
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