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“EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of
the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this
on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such
a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of what they call "pizza." More importantly I overheard
that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what
this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.”
“I hope that I don't return as a cat!”
“Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church.
Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas
and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one
of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a
fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest
restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey,
Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford
and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck
out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said
Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right den and dere
across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked
in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the
bed, her blonde curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting,"
said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or
drink to have a good time!"”
“5 Old Ladies
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three
in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously
confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly
the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies,
"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No
sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Two miles an hour!"
the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car
ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a
minute officer. We just got off Route119."”
“HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked
“A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and say, "Please make a
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"”
“hummm... a steady job and a recent shower are usually enough for me....”
“Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned. Her friend, Liz,
had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man.
But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."”
“Hey,DOM--whats a job and 'you have a shower'?”
“A no-good husband had been out late, drinking and chasing women, then
came home about 3 a.m. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up
with a plan...
He'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on his wife. That
always made her happy.
Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom, slipped quietly over to the
bed and performed oral sex. She sleepily moaned and groaned so he knew
everything was OK.
Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he
flipped on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wifesitting on the
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???," he yells!!!
"Shhhh," she whispered..."you'll wake my Mother!"”
“Ten Tips For Better Golf
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet, please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
If you don't happen to play golf, these are also standard rules for taking a leak in a public bathroom”
“uncliff... maybe you should stick to the list then? :}
pemsit about rule ten... how many strokes are standard? is 50 ok?”
“I live in a community where golf is free and in my back yard.I haven't played for 14 years.so, that's why I backpack,i can ignor the '10 commandments'and feel proud of my 'low errosion technic'.”
“Top ten things men know about women.
1. Women have breast!”
“You know why women say men can't maintain eye contact don't you?
Tit's don't have eyes”
“You guys are really, really bored; aren't you?”
“HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked
I have never failed to be impressed when this happens.”
A gorilla escaped from the zoo...
“A gorilla escaped from the zoo down the street from my house. I thought nothing of it until, while watering my lawn, I noticed a gorilla on my roof. Slowly putting down the hose, I crept into the house under the watchful gaze of the gorilla, and then called 911. The 911 operator told me she would let the zoo trainers know, and that they should be out shortly.
So I'm standing in my yard watching a gorilla watch me water my lawn, when the zoo truck screetches to a stop in the middle of the street in front of my house. The trainer leaps out of the truck, opens the back and pulls out a ladder, which he props against my roof. He then leads a dog out of the truck, removes the leash, points to the gorilla and gives a sharp command. The dog stares intently at the gorilla and sits quietly on my lawn. The trainer goes back to the truck and pulls a baseball bat from behind the seat in the cabin.
Now the trainer walks over to me, removing a .45 from his hip holster and handing it to me. "you know how to use one of those?" he asks.
"okay, well, here's the plan, I'm going up on the roof. The dog is a specially trained gorilla-dog. When I knock the gorilla off the roof, he will subdue the gorilla by attcking him about the genitals. It's the only thing that works. It's a little cruel, but this gorilla can get pretty mean, otherwise, and he knows better than to dtruggle, or the dog could rip them off. Okay? So here we go."
He headed for the ladder when I became aware of the pistol in my hand again, I yelled, "So what about this gun? What do I do with it?"
He fixed me with a oh-you're-an-idiot gaze.
"If the gorilla should happen to knock ME off the roof, shoot THAT FRICKIN DOG!!!"”
“Didja hear the one about the sidewalk?
It's all over town.....”
“A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells
at him, "Hey! Come over here buddy!"
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse
is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"
The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the
Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me.
Now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run
up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you
some money cause I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs
started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where
the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the
farmer, "Hey old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down
old nag you've got in the field."
The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't
believe anything that darn horse says. He's never even been
“On their first day at infants school, the teacher asked all the
children to stand up and introduce themselves to the rest of the class
by telling everyone their first names.
She finally asked a boisterous young boy, who was sat with his feet on
a table, to tell everyone his name.
"I'll give you a clue," he said. "first it's in a woman's hand, then
it's in her mouth, and then it's between her legs!"
The shocked and startled teacher stared at the young boy in disbelief.
She then composed herself and said:
"OK, thank you Dick, you can sit down now!"”
“Peeing In The Stream
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a
stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look
for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning
the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve always
wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around,
now`s your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of
the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy
crap!" she exclaims, "I just peed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm
down, "she says. "That wasn`t a canoe you peed in, it was only your
“David, a sixty year old man ,goes to a doctor for a check-up. The
doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you.
Why, you might live forever, you have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The sixty year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
David responded, "Well, he's 85 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
David responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are
sixty years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The sixty year old said," He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my
grandfather is 110 years old, and next week he's getting married again to a woman in Miami Beach."
The doctor said, "At 110 years why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"”
Funniest blonde joke ever
“A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then
...........let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
“Two eskimos are sailing in a kayak when they decide to light a fire to keep warm. The kayak burns and sinks.
"You can't have your kayak and heat it too."”
Change names as you wish
“From an email:
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it us to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking the right questions, " says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate. "
She phones Tony Blair and says: "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair Responds, "it's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Tank you and good-bye, sir, " says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. We'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington , he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Helms - hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms, immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and
they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Power at the State
Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, boy, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately. It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell"
And Bush replies is disgust, "Wrong, you dumb #&%!$, it's Tony Blair!"
Its a good all purpose joke that you can change the names to insult whomever you choose to insult.”
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Kevin where
he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the
day plainly. It
was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love.
We walked down to
the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled. "That
wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother
right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.”
“The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... "Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know .... "Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... "Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...."Wash, Iron, Fvck, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: I am a "#&%!$." "What exactly is a #&%!$?"..., the men ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself."”
“How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.”
“WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE?
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.
So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?”
“OK here goes,,,
there is a middle age guy who has been having problems with getting his 'johnson' to work for him. He's run the gammit of pills and pumps and whatnot, but nothing really seems to work for him.
He finally finds this back alley Hindu doctor that has had success with a experimental precedure that involves implanting muscle tissue extracted from a elephant's truck. The hapless guy thinks about and decides to go for it. Months late after the surgery the Dr. gives him the go ahead to take his 'johnson' for a test drive. So while he was out wining and dining his woman, he get this horrible sensation in his pants and before he knows it his 'johnson' pops out of his pants and grabs a dining roll out of the basket and disappears from hence it came from. Now as he is grimsing in pain, his drop jawed girlfriend who is in utter amazement, ask if he could do that again and he replies ' I don't think I could get another roll up my A$$"
Thank you Good night Cleveland!!”
“Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.
The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the
corral it had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the
horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
The guy from Oklahoma can't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I am still here today!"
The guy from (your home state) remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
“Adam and god are walking through the garden of eden one day when Adam turns and says "lord im lonely". So god say to him, "Perhaps I could make you a companion. We'll call it a woman and I'll make her beautifull and obediant. She'll be a great source of comfort to you all of your days". Adam thinks for a moment and says "What will you need to create this woman". The lord replies,"an arm and a leg will be required of you.
Adam thinks on this for a while and then asks god...
"What can I get for a rib?"”
“It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"”
“I can't in good conscience post this next joke so I'll give the opening line and let ya'll come up with the punch line and we'll see if anyone gets it:
What's the difference between acne and a priest?”
“Let's see... Acne doesn't come on young boys' faces until puberty?
Just a guess, but I'll bet I'm right.”
I don't know but...
“Here's the punch line from a different one:
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"”
“Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks
Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little #&%!$, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."”
“The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza
in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and
asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well,
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm
- - -
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got
out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered
the door, and he asked her for directions to Des
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard
voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the
woman and an equally old man waving for him to come
back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said.
"He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"
- - -
An angry husband was complaining to his friend about
his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I
never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including
her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she
The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex.
It wasn't an offense, after all.
So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs
and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time
Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to
work, but when he came home that night the house was
spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing
there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll
treat you right."
- - -”
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"”
“A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
"How will I recognise him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty annoyed by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her tw*t?"
Totally ragged off at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's tw*t, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"”
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the
man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf
is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the
course. What I will do for you is this.
We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.
Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to
the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think
this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe
this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his
putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie!
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said,"I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem.
However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the
hell could've complained about those robots? They were
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other
golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint
them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed
for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"”
“I respect the fact that we all have a right to say whatever the hell we want here.
The joke above didn't make me laugh.”
“Yep... that one went and crossed the line for me. (makes me feel a bit more self concious about my good wholesome joke about dwarfism, genitalia and speech impediments).”
“How is a man like a snow storm?
You don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!
Three old women were sitting on a park bench when flasher walked up to them and opened his coat.
The first woman had a stroke,
the second woman had a stroke,
but the third lady's arms weren't long enough!”
“i fail to see any humor in that joke pemsit. why don't you take that stuff somewhere else?”
“That joke did suck!
“The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. I'm not thinking about it anymore. If someone told me that in person, they'd get an earfull, and if they weren't careful about what they said next, maybe a mouthfull too.
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