Toilet Humor

“I found this on a newsgroup. Very funny sh!t.

Time for a Dump!


The Perfect Dump.

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare, but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world, and that you are in perfect harmony with it.


The Beer Dump.

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised..... A brief whiff will cause any dog to sneeze violently and repeatedly.


The Chili Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).

Hot when it goes in, and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day, stinging with every stride, and generally making your puckered ring feel like the Space Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag". NEVER wipe.. Dab gently.


The Empty Roll Dump.

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask, "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face..... tighten your cheeks, pull up
your drawers, and shuffle yourself to the next nearest roll. Failing that, you could always use your shirttail or one of your socks!


The Splash Back Dump.

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your spine. *Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.


The Childbirth Dump.

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only five things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell that you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
4. Grit your teeth, rock back and forth, and hope that it comes out on its own before you pass out from the pain.
5. Pry it out with a stick.


The Machine Gun Dump.

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy, gassy bursts that breaks the tranquillity like machine gun fire.


The Sound Effect Dump.

You feel a noisy one bubbling up, but relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.


The � inch Manila Rope Dump.

It's a fast one! Appears to be approximately 15 feet of thin brown rope.


The Cling-On Dump.

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and bounce, but the little ba***rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......


The Whole Roll Dump.

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.


The Encore Dump.

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.


The Houdini Dump.

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.


The Giant Redwood Log Dump.

The dump of all dumps. A huge pebbly, cobby-type dump that is so long it requires breaking up into smaller lengths in order to flush.”

“You rock I am going to print this out.......:)”

“ok...im going right now so i can compare which dump i make...”

“Don't forget to take a picture of it...:)”

“oh god...i hurt....*breathes heavily and wipes away tears*...wow..that was beautiful..”

“LOL.....:)”

“that is the funniest thing i've read in a while.

why do i find natural bodily functions so comical?”

“Becuase they are.Like farting I like to it as loud as I can and then tell everyone I did...:)”

“alright, that was funny. i emailed this thread to some guys who i think would love it. LOL!”

“wow... all i can say”

“TMI,,,,, I know , but anyways on a prostate exam many moons ago, when all was said an done and the Dr. handed me some tissue to wipe with, I said,,,,,, "What doc are these for the tears." We both had a good chuckle as I finished de-greasing. LOL.”

“EWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...”

“Now I get it. Ice Tea is a 52-year-old man and bacpac is the 16-year-old. How surreal!”

“Here's some testical humour.”

“Ode to a Greasy Stool

Thou stool, half-ravished by-product of yesterday
Thou foster child of Ex-lax and slow bowel
Thou amateur historian of dinner trays
Who tells a story sickening and foul.

What leafy vegtation haunts thy form?
An endive? Iceburg lettuce or Romaine?
What peanuts stud thy body and what corn?
What Gods or men begat thee without pain?

Now lie thee at the bottom of the bowl
Thy tissue tunic drapes about thee like a slut
Thy beauty lies in that which men behold
With special keenness born of nourished gut who having dookied till dawn respite with ruth relinquishing your visage rectally in public places where it stands like truth brown obalesque for all the world to see...

Messiah from the nether world thou art!
If beauty's truth then truth must beauty be!
The odor of thy verdict warms the heart.
But deep within thy crevasses that gape
We witnesss your dark struggle to escape.
Someone light a match!”

“This is one of the sh!ttiest threads I've seen in quite a while. I am fed up with this crap. Turds out I was right about you bastards!”

“He wanted to nominate me for TT poet laureate... Snackboy wins hands down!”

“corn sucks”

“The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work. Truly poopy!”

“HA! I just checked that link, and it appears that Matt's naughty word eliminator changes "#&%!$" in the URL to "#&%!$", so it doesn't work!

I'll try it one other way: The Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

Or you can cut and paste if you're so inclined.

http://www.prison#&%!$name.com/dump.htm
http://www.prison#&%!$name.com/dump.htm”

“the missing word is...

#&%!$
#&%!$
#&%!$
#&%!$
#&%!$
B!TCH
b!tch
bit�h

sheeeeeeeyat!”

“You just might be a redneck if

You yell "hey, honey do you wanta see this before I flush it"”

“what about sinkers and floaters?”

“Hey wxtryx, How bout that trip report?”

“kleetn's link

I think this should fool the #&%!$ing censors.”

“© � ! ! _ _  � Û �
® � " " ` ` ž ž Ü �
  # ` a a Ÿ Ÿ Ý �
" " $ $ b b   Þ �
& & % % c c ¡ � ß �
< < & & d d ¢ � à �
> > ' ' e e £ � ã �
À � ( ( f f ¤ � â �
Á � ) ) g g ¥ � ã �
 � * * h h ¦ � ä �
à � + + i i § � å �
Ä � , , j j ¨ � æ �
Å � - - k k © � ç �
Æ � . . l l ª � è �
Ç � / / m m « � é �
È � 0 0 n n ¬ � ê �
É � 1 1 o o ­ � ë �
Ê � 2 2 p p ® � ì �
Ë � 3 3 q q ¯ � í �
Ì � 4 4 r r ° � î �
Í � 5 5 s s ± � ï �
Î � 6 6 t t ² � ð �
Ï � 7 7 u u ³ � ñ �
Ð � 8 8 v v ´ � ò �
Ñ � 9 9 w w µ � ó �
Õ � : : x x ¶ � ô �
Ö � ; ; y y · � õ �
Ø � < < z z ¸ � ö �
Ù � = = { { ¹ � ÷ �
Ú � > > | | º � ø �
Û � ? ? } } » � ù �
Ü � @ @ ~ ~ ¼ � ú �
Ý � A A  ? ½ � û �
Þ � B B € € ¾ � ü �
ß � C C  � ¿ � ý �
à � D D ‚ ‚ À � þ �
á � E E ƒ ƒ Á � ÿ �
å � F F „ „ Â �
æ � G G … … Ã �
ç � H H † † Ä �
è � I I ‡ ‡ Å �
é � J J ˆ ˆ Æ �
ê � K K ‰ ‰ Ç �
ë � L L Š Š È �
ì � M M ‹ ‹ É �
í � N N Œ Œ Ê ?
î � O O  � Ë �
ï � P P Ž Ž Ì �
ð � Q Q  � Í �
ñ � R R  � Î �
ò � S S ‘ ‘ Ï �
ó � T T ’ ’ Ð �
ô � U U “ “ Ñ �
õ � V V ” ” Ò �
ö � W W • • Ó �
ø � X X – – Ô �
ù � Y Y — — Õ �
ú � Z Z ˜ ˜ Ö �
û � [ [ ™ ™ × �
ý � \ \ š š Ø �
þ � ] ] › › Ù �
ÿ � ^ ^ œ œ Ú �”

“§”

“pisser, ain't it?”

“i”

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

�”

“I come home from work and this is what I see on TT....Cool...:)”

“have you tried doing sh.it to trick that cr appy censor?”

“I think I am going to go leave something in the tolet right now......:)

Shi! the other dark meat...:)”

“This is just a #&%!$ty matter and I think it stinks”

“Sniff sniff...:P”

“Bob & Paul

Paul decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Paul's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Paul said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Paul got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"





"She just died and left me everything.""

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!”

“Like when I was a kid and would lock the stall door and crawl out underneath or when I would soap down the floor till it was slippery.

ode to be young again.”

“There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"”

“Is this indoor or outdoor toilet humor?”

“I just had to share this...HPM just broke the toilet seat. Musta been a baddie! LMAO!”

“Phew...”

“Poor HPM. What's he been eatting?! ;)”

“There are times when I'm glad my wife doesn't post on here.


This is one of those times.


Now, how can we turn this bit of news to our advantage?”

“Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE. "”

“Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.”

“Rectal Myopia:

Can't see my ass going to work.”

“This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....



I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!>



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.”