You know you are a redneck when...

“your house is moble and your cars aint.”

“CHAWIN TERBACKY IS 1 OF YOUR FOOD GROUPS”

“You use the toilet brush as a back scratcher”

“You use you ironing board as a buffet table”

“Your wife and your sister are the same person.”

“You go to family reunions to meet women.”

“"I am my own grandpa'
It's funny I know,
But it really is so..."

Anyone know the song?”

“YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN:
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for an hour with a fly swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think the Nutcracker is what you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You make an offer to give someone the shirt off of your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on your speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your grandma has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You think subdivision is a part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas hoping to fill your deer tags.
You have a complete, matched set of salad bowls, and they all say "COOL WHIP" on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is WAL-MART.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a policeman often brings you home.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.”

“My sister and I used to crack up over that song. I live in the exact center of redneckness. You would not believe it if you saw it . . .”

“Vixtrix:

I have that song as a .wav file.

Give me an email address and I'll send it.”

“Hey, newgirl, as your neighbor, I resemble that remark!”

“After George W. Bush has won the election, the new incoming administration was unaccustomed to
proper protocol in diplomatic and political circles. So to ensure Dubya's incoming team acted properly in their role these tips were given to the political appointees:

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a diplomatic reception.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to international summits.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed in the Lincoln bedroom, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that he U.S. has a trade treaty with the host country, it is still rude to drive a U-Haul to official funerals.

6. Always offer a pinch of Red-Man to the foreign Head-of-State first.


STATE DINNERS:

1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

3. Do not start a food fight if the U.S. is not hosting the dinner.

4. Do not spit watermelon seeds if the guest of honor doesn't spit first.


ENTERTAINING IN THE WHITE HOUSE:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

3. Some foreign leaders may not wish to watch truck pulls or NASCAR on the Oval Office television set.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's Wal-Mart jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her back to grade school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


IF A DELEGATE AT AN OFFICIAL WEDDING:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may start a war.

3. Rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE IN SUBURBAN VIRGINIA OR MARYLAND:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in an official motorcade.”

“gotta love those wine boxes...the spouts fit perfectly in the mouth!”

“You left out the latest White House rule of etiquette.

Don't mess with the help.”

“You Might be a redneck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school - because you are both in the same grade.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front
yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.”

“Application for a Job
In the Bush Administration

Name: ________________ (last)
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Chad
(_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Other
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_)Rancher (_)Mechanic (_)Guv-mint
(_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle
(_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son
(_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of ex-spouses_____ Don?t know(_)

Number of children living in household: ___ Don?t know (_)
Number that are yours: ___ Don?t Know (_)
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: K 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)squat in or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_) Pro Bass
(_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest (_) Archie Comics

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

Favorite sport:
(_) Nascar (_)Shootin roadsigns (_) Roadkillin dillo?s (_) Bass Fishin?

How far is your current home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Have you voted by absentee ballot in Florida?
(_) Yes (_) No __________ How many times last election?”

“You know your a redneck when you're not from NJ”

“or NYC for that matter”

“Application to Live in California

Name________________________________________

Name of your stockbroker________________________

Name of your personal trainer_____________________

Name of your plastic surgeon______________________

Name of your divorce attorney_____________________

Number of children named Muffy, Bambi, or Sierra________

Name of their private school____________________________

Number of pro-environment bumper stickers on your SUV_________

What is your favorite white wine?_______________________________

What temperature do you keep your hot tub?________________________

How many shares of tech stocks do you own?______________________

How many pierced body parts do you have?
Above waist____________ Below waist___________

What is the immigration status of your maid and/or nanny? (check one)
legal (_) illegal (_)

How much is the second mortgage on your ski condo?____________________

Favorite pastimes

(_)Buying art (_) Appraising antiques

(_)Attending political fundraisers (_)Wine and cheese tastings

(_) Laying in a tanning booth (_)Complaining of urban sprawl

(_)Attending movie openings (_)Sipping fruit juice at private gym

(_)Attending environmental rallies (_)Catered outdoor parties”

“your richest relative's house has wheels”

“Christmas eve you go on the roof with your rifle hoping to fill your deer tag before the season ends.”

“opps, gordon already posted that one”

“That's OK. That's how I get my Christmas venison dinner every year.

I really hate having to clean all those little pellet droppings off my roof and driveway every Christmas morning.”

“Justs follow the link. Its too big to c&p.
< a href="http://fenixblink82.tripod.com/longjohn/id12.html"> You might be a redneck if...”

“Second try

You might be a redneck if... ”

“you have to climb your city's water tower, with a galllon of paint, to defend your sister's honor.”

“...the roadside bar you frequent plays Jeff Foxworthy tapes and folks relate to what he says!”

“You live in Kansas, but try to write haiku anyway.”

“C'mon, Dunadan...you're GOOD at it!”

“OK, you can quit kissin' my feet now.”

“You think beer only comes in cans.

Loosing a piece of Furiture means gaining a lawn orniment.

The Christmas lights on your house serve as party lights in the summer because you never take them down.

Your wife has told you to move the engine block so she can take a bath.

How is a Tornado like a West Virginia Divorce? Either way you loose your trailer.”

“Whoever said there weren't rednecks in New Jersey?


The line that always killed me was:

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle though it was very sad.
For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter who of course was my step-mother.

(the rest)

Somebody say Dr. Demento?”

“Your local volunteer fire dept. has gun racks in the engine.”

“you people suprise me . if i made the same jokes about liberals,schwartzers,or fagelah's you would be howling for my head on a pole and banning me from TTT for life(as you have done for other posters)typical liberal double standerd, normal hard working WHITE people are acceptable for your questionable wit;but anyone else is verboten!”

“Sounds like spock has a new name”

“My most sincere apology to the white males”

“Did we offend some white males? Did we cause them to choke on their Redman? Did we cause them to run out to the front yard and call out all nine dogs on us? Are we going to provide target practice for some white males? Are we going to cause the white females to go into early labor on their seventh pregnancy?
We are sorry.”

“See, everybody assumes it's okay to make fun of the white males. You can't say anything about females or minorities, but white males are fair game. The difference? We don't really care.”

“It is interesting that this sort of thing is why people get on the rednecks' case in the first place. Then they emulate the behavior.

Hmmmmm.”

“When you buy a gun and believe your free.”

“The intent of most racial radicals is to bring attention on our selves as an individual not on the race itself. We are all minorities here.”

“...you have marvelled at the possibility of an infinite number of rednecks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs.”

“when the furnature on the porch is better than in the front rooom.”

“When you worry about someone calling you a redneck.
Or..
when you think you are better than a redneck.”

“I have long hair, so I never get a red neck.”

“When your kids call you Uncle Daddy.

When your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.”

“You know today April 29 is Dale Earnhardts birthday.”

“Yeah, I think that does it, MH!”

“I would say that is a YES!”

“I would say that it means to step away.......slowly.......and please don't make any sudden movements.”